Matzo Pizza and Matchos!

THE BITS

During Passover, we Jews are restricted to unleavened products. In carrying with tradition of our ancestors, we use matzo all week long. Matzo is a dry, virtually tasteless, flat “bread” that is pretty much a giant square water cracker. When you have to incorporate it into every meal for 7 days, you learn to get creative with it. One of those “creative” meals is Matzo Pizza. Another is Matzo Nachos or “Matchos!”

THE NIBBLES

Ingredients:
Hitting up the salad bar for a few bits of prechopped veggies and meats is ideal since you don’t use much for either dish. This amount here did both of these dishes:



PIZZAS:
3 squares of unsalted Matzo
Tomato Sauce
Cheese
Whatever toppings you want on a pizza (hit the salad bar!)
I chose: green peppers, red onions, turkey pepperoni, and chicken

MATCHOS:
3 squares of unsalted Matzo
Black beans (I always have black beans in the pantry)
Salad bar fixins (see above)

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat oven to 350F. Wait till the oven hits 350 before assembling or your matzos will get too soggy.

Pizza:
Okay now grab a baking sheet, line it with foil, lay out the matzos. Spread a layer of sauce on each matzo:

Add toppings:


Cover with cheese:
Bake 10 minutes:

Matchos:

Break the matzo into chip sized pieces and spread out onto foil covered baking sheet:

Add toppings:

Cover with cheese:

Bake for 10 minutes:

I'm back!

I'm back!

See when The Male and I split, I lost my zest for a lot of things. I stopped cooking because I kind of hate cooking for one. It's not the same when you only have a husky and two cats to entertain. Granted, my dog is pretty awesome and she loves veggies, but it's not the same.

Nola eating a stalk of broccoli
One night my friend Dan over to make fajitas (also referred to as "Fuck Yeah Fajitas!") and it was at that moment that I remembered how much fun I have cooking. I decided that it was time to stop moping about, stop eating so poorly, stop wasting my money on ordering in (and gaining the weight from it and the breakup) and get my ass back in the kitchen!

Thus, I have returned and have a few recipes to catch up on!

housekeeping

Due to our recent break up, I've gone through and replaced his name with "[The Now Former Male]"

I don't want to talk about it, but I'm taking a small break.

Maybe working on a few new recipes or posting some oldies will be beneficial. We'll see. In the meantime, if you go back and read, now you know why that is the replaced name.

Handmade Ravioli and Creamy Portabella Mushroom Ragu*

THE BITS

It’s not every day that you turn 40. Since it was the first birthday of his that I shared with him and one of those milestone birthdays, I decided to go all out for [The Now Former Male]’s 40th. Not only did I get him “the greatest gift anyone has ever gotten [him]” (a kick ass camera), but I also made him ravioli from scratch, sauce from scratch, and I cooked it in my lingerie. That's just the kind of girlfriend I am.

*Okay so a real ragu has meat, but for most people Portabella mushrooms are damn meaty and might as well be meat in this case therefore I consider it a ragu. I know, Italians everywhere are screaming. It's okay.

THE NIBBLES

You really should have a hand crank pasta machine or a pasta attachment for your mixer. You can try to do this with a rolling pin and little ring guides on the pin to help you keep it level, but it will not come out evenly unless you are extremely good with a rolling pin. I am not.

Ingredients:

Pasta:
2 cups all purpose flour
3 eggs
2 Tbsp olive oil
Pinch of salt

Filling:
2 shredded/crumbled chicken breasts (I cheated and used rotisserie chicken, but you can just boil two medium-large breasts and shred them)
1 cup fresh mozzarella
½ cup fresh parmesan
6 leaves of fresh basil, cut into a fine chiffonade
½ package of frozen spinach, thawed and drained
1 container ricotta cheese
1 egg
1-2 tsp Garlic powder
Salt
Pepper

Sauce:
1 28oz and one 14.5 can tomato sauce
1 container of baby portabellas mushrooms, cut into quarters
1 medium white onion, diced
6 garlic cloves, minced (we like a lot of garlic so I even added some garlic powder)
½ cup fresh parsely, chopped fine
4 leaves of fresh basil, cut into a fine chiffonade
1 fresh tomato, diced
1 14.5oz (I think, it’s the regular size one) can diced tomatoes,
1 Tbsp Oregano
1 Tbsp Italian Seasoning
1 half pint of heavy cream


Directions:

Sauce:
Chop and dice all the veggies, chop the parsley and basil, and then combine all but the heavy cream in the above ingredients in a large pot. Let it come to a low boil then reduce to a simmer. Let simmer 45 minutes to an hour.


Filling:
While the sauce is cooking, shred the chicken and grate the cheeses. I bought a small chunk of fresh parmesan and grated it with a microplane grater/zester. Chiffonade the basil - lay all the leaves flat on top of each other then roll into a tight roll. Hold that roll and gently slice very thinly. I diced the hell out of the parsley and here’s proof that I did this in my lingerie (Don't worry[The Now Former Male] kept the photo tasteful).

In a medium mixing bowl, combine everything but the egg. Add salt and pepper to taste and any other seasonings you may have missed. Once it tastes right, whisk the egg in a small bowl with a fork, then gently fold the egg into the filling mix. Set in the fridge to chill – about 30 minutes.


Pasta:
Dump the flour onto a clean counter and then form into a well. Crack the eggs and then add to the center of the well along with the olive oil and salt. Mix together with a fork quickly bringing flour into the egg center as you go just until it begins to bind. DO NOT OVER MIX WITH THE FORK or the past will become very chewy when its cooked.


Once it begins to bind (like in the picture above), lose the fork and go in there with your hands until you form it into a ball – should take about 5-7 minutes of kneading to get it into this state. Cover the dough in very very lightly oiled plastic wrap and let rest 30 minutes

Assembly:


Attached your hand crank pasta machine to a steady surface and clamp down. Flour your work surface, cut your dough in half, and lightly flour your pasta dough. Do one ball of dough at a time so you ultimately end up with 2 sheets – 1 for the top, 1 for the bottom. Begin with the largest setting on the machine and crank through. Repeat this process reducing the size setting for each pass through the machine. The dough will begin to stretch and thin out forming long sheets. Set them side by side. Don’t let the pasta sheets dry out – keep a lightly dampened towel nearby to cover if needed.

Now stop what you’re doing and go put a pot of water on to boil. Done? Okay good, come back to the pasta.

Grab your bowl of ravioli filling and scoop large teaspoonfuls onto the sheets about an inch apart. You can use a ravioli press for this or just wing it. I decided to wing it, but I think in the future, I'm gonna get a cheap press. This is when I figured out that I should have flattened mine a bit to make them smoother and have less doughy edges. Lesson learned. So… gently smush the filling down a bit. I ended up with about 2 dozen ravioli filling piles. Brush a little bit of water or egg wash around each pile of filling then quickly cover with the second sheet of dough. Press down to pinch the sheets together and then cut into squares. You can get a ravioli cutter real cheap just about anywhere (I think mine was $1.25 that I got in a bin at a kitchen store going out of business) you find kitchen utensils or you can just use a sharp knife.

See how mine are big lumps in the middle of a sea of dough? Yeah, I didn't think that one through. So instead of making them look like the picture, press your fillings flatter and cut your dough closer.

Be sure each ravioli has the air pressed out of it and that there are no slits or open edges. Gently drop the raviolis into the boiling water. They are done when they rise to the surface of the water and have turned whiter than they started. About 5-7 minutes.


While the ravioli is boiling, add the heavy cream to the ragu and stir bringing back up to a simmer. If you let this boil, you will curdle the cream so be careful and stir it occasionally while the ravioli boils away. By the time the ravioli is done, the sauce should be perfect.

Serve with your favorite sides. I chose Caesar salad and garlic bread (both of which were store bought – yes I cheated and thank God I did because I was exhausted at that point!)

Disclaimer: I am not endorsing any products linked on this page. I am merely using them as an example!

The Meatloaf Cake

THE BITS

[The Now Former Male] is not much of a dessert man. What he lacks in a sweet tooth, I make up for tenfold. He’s much more of a meat and potatoes man. In fact, for his 40th birthday, my mom got him a cooler of meat products… steaks, pork chops, etc. and he loved it. For his 41st, I couldn’t think of how to top that until my mom suggested I make a cake in the shape of a steak. Knowing his penchant for meat, the steak cake evolved into a meatloaf cake… meatloaf, mashed potatoes and stuffing formed into and decorated as a layer cake.

This took almost 3 hours from start to finish to make. It's an all in one meal so I served it with salad.

THE NIBBLES



In addition to the ingredients, you will need two 9-inch round cake pans. I suppose you could use any shape, but you need two to layer properly.

Ingredients:

Stuffing:
I used one box of Stove Top herb stuffing. You can make your own stuffing mix if you prefer, just don’t go crazy with it – you need a simple bread stuffing for this. No oysters, sausage, cranberries, or whatever. You also don’t need very much of it hence the boxed variety. Stove Top takes all of 5 minutes and stuffing isn’t my strong point.

Meatloaf:
You can use your favorite meatloaf recipe or you can use mine. I don’t eat pork so this is all beef:
3lbs ground beef (I use one package of 80/20 and one package of 93/7)
3 carrots diced
3 stalks celery diced
½ white onion diced
½ to ¾ cup Bullseye Original BBQ sauce*
¼ cup ketchup*
1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 Tbsp oregano
1 Tbsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp kosher salt
5-6 grinds of black pepper
1 egg
2 slices of bread
Milk

Dice the carrots, onions, and celery and sauté in pan till soft. Set aside and let cool. In a large bowl shred the bread and add enough milk to make it smushy. I usually smush with a fork. Add seasonings, BBQ and ketchup. This is where I taste the mix to see if I need to add more or not. Add the egg and stir to combine.

Throw the meat and veggies into the bowl and mix together. I use my hands because it’s a lot easier than futzing about with a spoon. Divide evenly among the two cake pans.

*I make another smaller mix of BBQ and ketchup and then spread over the top of the meatloaves for a little glaze.

Mashed Potatoes:
3lbs white potatoes (not Russet!)
¼ - ½ cup milk
Half a stick of butter
Salt and pepper

Peel potatoes, cut in half, boil until soft. Mash with milk and butter till smooth and creamy. Add salt and pepper to taste. Set aside and let cool a bit.

Gravy: (optional)
Whatever gravy you want. I’m a big fan of using the IKEA Swedish meatball sauce as a gravy for this. Why? Because it’s what I had in my cupboard. I made it with 1% milk instead of cream and it came out fine. This is just for the end when you serve it.


Garnish:

Frozen peas and carrots brought up to room temperature

Procedure:

1.) Start boiling the potatoes
2.) Make the meatloaf, bake at 350F for 25 minutes (leave the oven on when you’re done because you will put this back in the oven for a little while), drain the grease from the pans
3.) Mash potatoes
4.) Let all ingredients cool until you can handle touching them
5.) Make the stuffing
6.) Assemble

Assembly (in pictures!):

1.) cake pans of meatloaf. I would glaze them now before baking:

2.) oops. See? I forgot to glaze so I threw it on after they cooked and after I drained the fat. Notice how much they shrank back from the edge of the pans:


3.) mmmm... mashed potatoes cooling



4.) stuffing!

5.) a schmear of potatoes as a base for the first "cake". NOTE: if you have a flat oven safe dish, assemble on the dish instead of foil. I learned the hard way that foil tears easily under the weight of this monster and later had a hard time moving it to a plate.


6.) I dropped the loaf and it cracked. This is what potatoes are for!


7.) a layer of potato "icing". It won't spread with a knife so just man up and use your hands (hence the reason you need to cool this a bit before assembling. Unless of course you like burning yourself)


8.) stuffing layer! This is the entire box.


9.) the next cake placed much more gently on top this time, glaze side down (so you have a smooth surface for "icing")


10.) behold! layered goodness!


11.) cover with potato "icing" - again with the hands.



12.) Get creative: I used a ziplock bag as a piping bag and used an icing tool to get those edges. Loosely cover this with foil and put this back in the oven for 15-20 minutes to warm everything back up. (if you don't cover it, the potatoes will brown and form a crust)

13.) Garnish: Carrot flowers and a pea "icing" border. Pretty, no? (See note in Step 5 - this is when I figured out the problem.)


14.) Cut and consume:

Maryland Crab Cakes

THE BITS
I was born and partially raised in Maryland. Bushels of steamed crabs coated in Old Bay poured over newspapers on the table in summer and crab cakes the rest of the year are essentials. Eating crabs is in our blood. One of the problems I've found with 90% of all restaurant-made crabcakes is the filler factor. No self-respecting Marylander would dare make crab cakes with this much filler! I realize that crab is not the cheapest shellfish in the world and harvesting the meat takes some effort, but if I'm paying $20+ for a crabcake dinner in a restaurant, there better be a big ratio of crab damn it!

My mom's recipe for crab cakes is almost entirely crab meat and the breadcrumbs are used only for binding and coating, not to stuff the cake! Granted, we do like onions and celery in our crabcakes for added flavor and crunch, but that's not really filler. I warn you, this is not the cheapest meal, but it's so delicious and rich and filling that 1lb of meat will make enough to satisfy an entire family.

You have to use LUMP crab meat for this. Don't get backfin or any other variety. It will not have the same effect and frankly will not taste as good. Lump crab meat allows for moist succulent crab cakes. Seriously, don't even bother with this recipe if you're not going to pony up for the meat. Obviously fresh is rarely an option so I highly recommend the Philips brand and if you're lucky enough to have a Costco or other bulk food club membership, 1 pound containers of lump crab meat usually run for under $20.

You should get 8 large crab cakes or about 24 silver dollar sized crab cake appetizers out of this recipe.

THE NIBBLES
Ingredients:
1 pound of lump crab meat.
1/2 cup diced celery
1/2 cup diced onion
1/2 cup mayo (don't go with light on this one, get the full fat variety)
1 egg
1-2 Tbsp Old Bay seasoning (there is no substitute for this)
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
a pinch or two of Kosher Salt
4-5 grinds of Black Pepper
1 1/2 - 2 cups plain bread crumbs (panko is too course for this)
1 lemon (half for cakes, half for garnish)
vegetable or olive oil for pan frying

Dice your celery and onion and then throw them in a pan. Cook them until they've just begun to soften and the onions are just starting to become translucent. If you throw them into the crab cakes raw, they will be far too crunchy later on. Lay them out on a plate and put them in the fridge to cool. (Adding hot veggies to the mix later can cook the egg)

In a large bowl, combine the mayo, juice from half the lemon (start with half this amount and add more if you like it more tart), Worcestershire, Old Bay, salt, and pepper. Mix together and taste it. Now is the time to adjust the flavoring if anything feels out of balance. Adjust if needed, then add the egg and combine until smooth.



Open and drain your can of crab meat. View the lumpy goodness of white crab flesh and savor the smell of goodness coming your way.

Dump the celery and onions and the oh so delicious crab meat into the bowl with the mayo and egg mixture. Stick your hands in there and toss everything around allowing some of those lumps to break down while coating everything with a nice layer of the mayo mixture. Why hands? Because using a fork or spoon is too rough and will break up too much of the meat. Invest in a box of latex gloves if you're too squeamish to use your hands.


Now add some (not much) of the bread crumbs to help soak up a little of that moisture because right now the crab mixture is a bit too wet. Add one tablespoon at a time until the mix just begins to bind. Do not add more than a 1/4 c of bread crumbs.

Put the bowl into the fridge and refrigerate for an hour. Yes my friend, an hour. This gives all the ingredients time to get together and do a little dance, make a little love, down tonight. It also makes for tighter crab cakes. (If you are making the smaller ones, only refrigerate for 20-30 minutes)

Now would be a good time to prepare your side dishes. This is when I made the Warm Potato Salad. (The Summer Salad was already in the fridge from the night before.) I've also served this with roasted red potatoes and Braised Brussel Sprouts. Something light and something starchy would be a good compliment to this. I'd avoid french fries or anything too heavy because the crab cakes will be quite rich.

*one hour passes*

Grab a plate or a wide shallow bowl and pour in your bread crumbs. Set a large pan on the burner and add about a 1/8 inch of oil. We're not deep frying here, just pan frying the outside and heating up the inside.

Time to get dirty again! Grab a handful of meat (large cakes) or about golfball sized amount (small cakes, form into a ball, roll in bread crumbs until coated, and then lightly smush flat into a burger patty shape. I said lightly, damn it! Don't get all Herculean on me or you'll ruin it. ***If they crumble apart the minute they're set down on the plate, you don't have enough bread crumbs in there. Stop what you're doing and add more then try to form about cake***Set on another plate while you form the rest of the meat into patties. By the time you're done with this, the pan should be ready.

This was my assembly station when I made the appetizer sized ones at my mom's house:


Set those crab cakes in the pan and listen as they sizzle and cool away! Cook for about 3-5 minutes or until you see this happening to the edges:



Flip over and cook another 3-5 minutes or until browned. You can always lift an edge up to see if they're browned yet or not.

Remove from pan and blot on paper towel quickly. Serve immediately with a wedge of lemon to sprinkle on top. No roumelade here, girls, just straight up crab cakes with a bit of lemon. Trust me... you won't need or want anything else.


(served with Warm Lemony Greek Potato Salad and Summer Salad)

Gingerbread House

THE BITS
in keeping with the holiday spirit, [The Now Former Male] and I made a gingerbread house. YAY!

Except not from scratch.

Once upon a time my mom and I tried to follow Martha Stewart's recipe for a gingerbread house. We made the dough, chilled it, made the templates/stencils, cut out and baked the entire house, and then 8 hours of that BS later we were too tired to even attempt assembly. We gave up and put the cookie sheets of house pieces up high out of reach of cats... and then forgot about them for two months. Once I tried to make one myself and assemble the sides with caramelized sugar, but I burned the fuck out of my hands and the damn thing fell spectacularly to pieces. My patience and the pieces ended up in the garbage can.

Long story short, I decided gingerbread houses are for people who have endless amounts of time on their hands. I am not one of those people.

THE NIBBLES
No ingredients... see above. I cheated and it was worth it because it still took 6 damn hours. And since there are no ingredients, I am only posting photos with comments. Enjoy!

Gingerbread house pieces and bowls of candy beckoning us to assemble the house. (yes, my dinning room table is really my desk)

the house put together with royal icing and mugs holding the roof panels up. Inventive, I know.

Smashing rock hard gumdrops and spearmint leaves while we waited an hour for the house to dry

spearmint leaves being turned into pine trees via scissors and creative squishing by yours truly

we discovered that a lot of water would thin out the icing and make it super smooth on the roof

this is my favorite part of the entire house. While he put a Twizzler trim on the edges, I put the tiny jawbreakers on the roof

the one with the hat is mine. The one with a green shirt, red suspenders, and yellow pants is [The Now Former Male]'s.

this took far too much effort and by the time I put the window panes on, it dawned on us that we should have decorated it flat and THEN assembled the house. Lesson learned.

6 hours later, we had a gingerbread house that looks like children decorated it

Lesson learned: ice and decorate the roof and side panels BEFORE assembling so as not to have drippy lines. Amazing the kind of common sense that is revealed through trial and error!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

AB humor

My inspiration for this/dear friend and foodie Derrick sent me this which is courtesy of Natalie Dee



I love Alton, but you have to admit this is ridiculously accurate.